Remembering the Legacy of our Fathers: What a Gift!

[mbali- 29Gifts Spiritual Advisor]

When ever I return home,to South and Africa and London, I hear more stories and see more photos of my father,I am thrilled to learn more about him. A plethora of mixed emotions that makes me sad (because there was much I did not know and joyful because I discover more about him each time ) He died in Spain on the way back to England. He was on the way to my wedding and I was 24 years old. Recently I found out about his activism as a young man, it filled me with joy as I had found a connection to him. He died of a heart attack, I believe it was a broken heart, having to leave his homeland South Africa and all his family.

I mention this as it is all part of his history that shaped who he was and I know it has shaped who I am today. Part of what I do is to help people to heal the wounds of ancestral legacy. That which shaped our mothers and fathers, their fathers, grandfathers and ultimately us.

I am well aware that not everyone has good memories of their father or may not even want to remember him, and so when Father’s Day comes along it may be hard for some. What has been helpful is to be curious about this man who gave us life, who is a part of us, and to also discover what it was like for him growing up, which may have contributed to how he showed up as your father. With whom, can or could he, the father, share his wound when the messages often received as kids were “big boys do not cry” and continuing into adulthood, “the man of the house is expected to provide”. This can be transformed into disciplinary, authoritarian, or abusive, behaviour and a completely dysfunctional use of power or it can be seen as, to be vulnerable is to be weak or "sissy"

Fathers who leave other than divorce, and it seems stastically to be more than mothers, are often left in our memories as Superman or we stay mad at them or worse still we blame ourselves for their behaviuor and constantly look for validation from other men who come into our life.

My experience was confusing. Knowing I was loved and Daddy’s little girl (the only girl in the family) yet my Father did not know how to express his love. When I heard the stories of his family growing up I understood why and could forgive. You may not be able to forgive, and some may have wonderful fathers. I can only imagine it is a huge responsibility to take care of and provide for a family for years, often having to give up dreams.

The father wound cuts deep for daughters and sons as it does not neccesarily hold the notion of unconditional love as the mother, his role is supposed to represent protector, so when they do not measure up, we constantly look for validation, a role model and someone to be pround of, who is seen as strong and when he fails in one or all it can be devastating and when he does not see our gifts, it can wound us for life.

What ever your experience of your father, alive or passed I invite you to “find the blessing alongside the wound” Michael Meade. Generally I feel men and Fathers get a bad rap in this society ( I hear the screams from some women as I write this) but when I have sat in San Quentin and heard the men’s stories or when I hear the stories of clients fathers and grandfathers actions in divination it reminds me that we ALL have a story and that whilst we gain strength and resilience from those who came before us, we are also impacted by what went down with them, and maybe no one bothered to take the time to listen to their stories, of how they have been shaped by their fathers.

So dead or alive try to find out the stories of your father. Maybe it is a Grandfather you prefer to remember. Make a book of his life, so easy to do these days. To honor even if we may not be able to forgive may seem hard yet deeply liberating. Words like loyal, devoted, loving yet unable to express it, sacrificing, teachers, hardworkers come to mind. Everyday is a time to remember but fortunately we are reminded once a year. So for those who have father’s in the ancestral realm. A wonderful ritual is to find out about your father’s story. Find photos, put them on an alter, speak to him daily ask him for what you want, ask him to help you.

Create a Clay figurine which in the Dagara tradition is called a Sankuma (SAN- father grandfather) Simply shape the figurine how ever it calls you. Use a spirit like Vodka which does not smell, “spirit for the spirits” instead of water to keep the clay moist, decorate it, place something in the base to remember him by and cover it over with clay. When it is dry sprinkle with wood ash from a fire for protection and place on an alter or shrine. This represents the father figure in your life. Speak to him everyday ask for what you want and give him the opportunity to say his sorry. When we bring peace and reconcilaition to unfinished business in the ancestral realm we bring healing to ourselves. What a gift!!!

[Colleen Friday]

Thank you Mbali for these beautiful words. So true that very few of us listened to stories about our fathers and other father figures.

[Cami Walker -- 29Gifts Founder]

Thanks for posting this, Mbali. We also encourage people to share stories, art or write letters to the father figure(s) in their lives in our Honoring our Fathers Group because is it our June featured cause.

[Cami Walker -- 29Gifts Founder]

I am going to do the clay figurine in an attempt to make peace with some of the "issues" my father and i had as i grew up, which I know are related to what was handed down to him by his dad.

[Cami Walker -- 29Gifts Founder]

I just reread this post and realized that though my father and I had a great relationship -- very close and loving -- things changed when i began to mature. I remember feeling our relationship change dramatically when I turned 10 and developed breasts. It was like he didn't know how to relate to me anymore as his little girl as I turned into a woman. We had a difficult and challenged relationship during my teen years and then made peace later on after college. Today, my dad is a wonderful, supportive dad to me again and that's what really matters to me. That's where I keep my focus.