I'm feeling a bit lost this morning, so I figure it's time to be honest and share what's going on for me, as this usually helps me move energy that has somehow become stuck.
I was truly moved when I first read about the 29-day giving challenge, yet since signing up I feel as though I've come up awfully short of the mark with regards to giving.
It's not that I don't give... I'm a musician and I often give away my music for free because I love the feeling of sharing it with others. If I pass a homeless person in the street I almost always give them something... I give my expertise with computers away often free of charge, and will help almost anyone with technical problems without expecting money in return.
The problem seems to come in feeling good about the way in which I choose to give. I've read some posts about this and see that it often comes down to paying more close attention to moments in which we are truly giving, rather than expecting our giving to always be flashy and easy to spot.
The other thing that fascinates me is my tendency to only give whole heartedly when I'm experiencing a crisis moment in my life. Why is it that we have to wait until our lives are literally falling apart to find the motivation to be truly giving and kind to others? Should I judge myself for being selfish if I don't spend my every waking moment considering others unless I'm truly in a place of dire need?
For example I'm home with my family for Christmas right now, and while I LOVE giving them all gifts for Christmas, the hardest thing for me to give them is simply my undivided attention. All of the most difficult family dynamics come to the surface when I come home, as I only visit at Christmas time. Yet if I were to loose a family member, or watch one of them become terminally ill, I'd be there in an instant - wanting to give my time and attention freely until their health had returned.
Sometimes I just feel that I don't fully understand my own motivations for giving - nor do I see myself prioritizing giving over selfish gains unless my life or someone else's life is on the line. That being said, when I start to list the ways in which I give, I'm often surprised by the reality of my own giving.
Perhaps I need a vacation somewhere tropical. That often supplies me with the perspective needed to continue... the deep winter is always a hard time for me when emotional reserves seem to be a little short.
Thanks for reading my random ramble...