Today, I am struggling to remain positive and gracious and I had such a blessed few days. I feel like the greatest fake on the planet. How can I presume to 'give' to another when my soul is so sparce and arid...ok, so maybe that's a bit melodramatic, but I feel like a snowflake today (and in Cape Town, during late November, a snowflake is deader than a doornail on National Dead Doornail Day) I feel limp and wimpy.
I spent the past weekend with my family in Paarl - it was glorious. I went to the Advent Service last night and it was so beautiful - I missed the choir SO much - I wish sometimes that I could turn back time and spend my Saturday afternoons practicing for Christmas, in 38 degree Celsius heat, having to repeat the same vowels over and over - hee hee ok, so maybe I just miss the final product...isn't that horrible - I am so obviously craving some sort of adulation (please, this is NOT me fishing for compliments or 'don't be so hard on yourself' comments - if I were hard on myself I would excel at ALL I do, and I would not be moping and whining about trivialities!) Flip, I annoy myself SO much sometimes. Even this apparently altruistic exercise I have to question - am I doing this for some sort of pat on the back - then surely it is a doomed exercise - how will I EVER learn humility...don't we all just do nice things so other people - flip, forget other people - God knows...how do you honestly do something without expecting something in return...if we all know the Universe/God/Whichever Deity will send us either the spirit to deal with adversity and/or prevent adversity...AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! I am getting on my nerves now.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to have all these Schizo feelings, I guess without them I would be a truly obnoxious pain in the arse (as opposed to the kind of pain in the arse I am now;-). No, really - Thank you Lord - I am truly grateful for the lessons you've allowed me to learn through giving these past few days - please help me to be a tad more gracious towards myself - just so's I don't work on my tits so much.
To my fellow bloggers - I apologise for the rant (or is this just another barely veiled attempt at fishing for something - why, oh why am I so dependent on the the validation)... Anyway, may your day be blessed and glorious