29-11-2010

[Megan-Leigh Adams]

Today, I am struggling to remain positive and gracious and I had such a blessed few days. I feel like the greatest fake on the planet. How can I presume to 'give' to another when my soul is so sparce and arid...ok, so maybe that's a bit melodramatic, but I feel like a snowflake today (and in Cape Town, during late November, a snowflake is deader than a doornail on National Dead Doornail Day) I feel limp and wimpy.

I spent the past weekend with my family in Paarl - it was glorious. I went to the Advent Service last night and it was so beautiful - I missed the choir SO much - I wish sometimes that I could turn back time and spend my Saturday afternoons practicing for Christmas, in 38 degree Celsius heat, having to repeat the same vowels over and over - hee hee ok, so maybe I just miss the final product...isn't that horrible - I am so obviously craving some sort of adulation (please, this is NOT me fishing for compliments or 'don't be so hard on yourself' comments - if I were hard on myself I would excel at ALL I do, and I would not be moping and whining about trivialities!) Flip, I annoy myself SO much sometimes. Even this apparently altruistic exercise I have to question - am I doing this for some sort of pat on the back - then surely it is a doomed exercise - how will I EVER learn humility...don't we all just do nice things so other people - flip, forget other people - God knows...how do you honestly do something without expecting something in return...if we all know the Universe/God/Whichever Deity will send us either the spirit to deal with adversity and/or prevent adversity...AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! I am getting on my nerves now.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to have all these Schizo feelings, I guess without them I would be a truly obnoxious pain in the arse (as opposed to the kind of pain in the arse I am now;-). No, really - Thank you Lord - I am truly grateful for the lessons you've allowed me to learn through giving these past few days - please help me to be a tad more gracious towards myself - just so's I don't work on my tits so much.

To my fellow bloggers - I apologise for the rant (or is this just another barely veiled attempt at fishing for something - why, oh why am I so dependent on the the validation)... Anyway, may your day be blessed and glorious

[Megan-Leigh Adams]

Thank you Debj and Kristie...I am so blessed to have stumbled upon souls such as yours...thanks a mill. It means a lotalotalot to me and words aren't enough to express how I've been changed, blessed by our interaction. You're both angels...

[Kristie Alers]

It's the most honest and refreshing blog I've read thus far. Your thoughts are everyone's thoughts at one point I'm sure... but it's ok. You really are beating yourself up and even if you don't want those comments, we are merely stating the truth. You are a wonderful and giving person and having a self reflecting day is normal however, like Lois said, just be YOU and don't question the motives. When you're being true to yourself, the gifts are from the heart and that's all the world is asking for... your love to touch another and inspire more love. You can always debate whether a humanitarian is at all a humanitarian or a "love" addict because you will always receive when you give and in turn participate in a continuous cycle of giving and receiving. Which by the way, will only enable you to continue to give because of the glorious state the gift returned. It's a fact that giving is self perpetuating. We're here to tell you that it's ok!!! It's the whole point!!! To make the world a happier place because of all it's happier inhabitants!! Feel better sweet Megan, you're definitely someone the world is better off for having!! xoxo

[Deb~ Community Manager]

Big hugs and prayers your way~ Take care of you.. Don't be so tough on yourself... We are here for you! xoxoxo

[Megan-Leigh Adams]

Thanks Lois - HUG back at you...

[Lois55 wwt]

I do hope you feel better soon and (I'm gonna say it......)don't be so hard on yourself! You are no different than anyone else. We have all gone through something like this....just be YOU and do the kind things you normally do, and I know things will look up...I am saying prayers for you, hoping things will look brighter for you...You are in my thoughts, Megan-Leigh and here is a huge (((HUG))).