I thought, at the end of January, I had escaped the Winter Doldrums- that sinking sense of Depression that only the Cold Dark weather can settle on one's chest. This a.m., Ani DiFranco's song "Grey" describes my mood perfectly.
"the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey. i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way. i smoke and i drink and every time i blink i have a tiny dream. but as bad as i am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny thing will wash up on the shore. you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv. you penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out to sea. and what can i say but i'm wired this way and you're wired to me, and
what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally? what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore. regretfully, i guess i've got three simple things to say. why me? why this now? why this way? overtone's ringing, undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand that is grey by an ocean that's grey. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore."
Still, I'm trying to give Within and give myself the permission to be Allowed to Feel.
Feb. 18th: Instead of chores and Have-To's, I gave myself an evening off to play computer games and chase Ani DiFranco around YouTube, while my Love kept me company across the room.
Feb. 19th: Based on Ani lyrics, I wrote myself a love poem...
"Love is all over the place,
There is nothing wrong with your face."
For whatever purpose it suits,
There is nothing wrong with your roots.
Connect them deep inside,
Come out of your long, dark hide.
Then, my love and I headed to see my family in East TN. We spent a low pressure visit with one of my favourite cousins, who sent us home with hand-canned salsa, squash relish, fruits, and tomatoes, and then a game night with my oldest sister, her husband, and my parents. Afterward, my mom & I stay up way too late, discussing religion and philosophy, while I helped her finish a puzzle. We haven't done that since I was in college.
Feb. 20th: The planets and stars aligned to bring both my sisters together at the same time in the same place as me & David. Since we live 3 hours away and the youngest older sister lives 1.5 hours away, this is a true miracle. The best gift I received was private time with my niece, who, in a another universe, would have probably been my daughter or my closest sister. I swear, Katie is the child I don't need to have, because my sister was gracious enough to have her for me. She's in 8th grade and grown up very similar to me, even though I only talk to her a few times a year.
Feb. 21st: Since I was forced into a business lunch, I shared an order of stuffed grape leaves with my cohort. Oh, I swear if happiness could be defined in food, it would be Mediterranean or Indian dishes.
Feb. 22nd: I have finally admitted that my depression is affecting my life. It's like trench warfare, never knowing when that zeppelin is going to appear over your head. Still, I went to exercise on our usual night, instead of giving in to apathy. I am determined to Fight.
Feb. 23rd: By the end of the day, I knew I was Done. I forced myself to eat dinner and read in bed until 8 p.m. Then I closed my eyes to end it.
Feb. 24th: Finally, I called out of Work. Then I spent the day, soothing my Monkey Brain, who has this tendency to get hyped up on Starbucks' coffee, full of sugar, caffeine, and Big Business Capitalism, when I'm not looking. It has always has an ever growing list of the things I could be Doing. Ganged up with my Inner Mean Girl, neither are ever satisfied with just Being. So, I sent the Monkey outside to run off its energy, like a hyper two-year-old, in the woods behind my apartment. Then I took a deep breath and Listened. I refused to think ahead to the Next Task. I spent the day mostly mono-tasking. I did yoga, had breakfast with David, read, chopped away at my block of e-mails, finished my Vision Board (for my job goals, Thank you, Barbara Quin for the idea), listened to teleclass on the Dark Side of Breakthroughs, exercised, and gratefully watched 2 episodes of "Being Human" with my love, while knitting my 2nd sock. Good Work... yes.