There are days when you have such a hard time getting it together. This is one of those days when I'm sad and angry - the horrid combination that makes everything look grim. Got a husband who prefers his vodka to his marriage and I'm just at the verge of separating after 40 years.
I could tell my sad story, but for those who live with alcoholism it's just the same as yours only it has a different face. There comes a day in the life of living with a person who is practicing alcoholism when the other partner has to decide to stay or go - maybe it's what we do every day. I've been praying my little heart out that God would show me what I'm supposed to do next. I hear nothing so does that mean stay and keep waiting for a miracle, or, "why are you STILL asking Me about the obvious???"
I'm not necessarily a passive person or a doormat, However I'm statistically a person who sticks to things far longer than I probably should. I'm easy to abuse because I don't fly off the handle and go kamakazi about things. I generally regard both sides and realize where the other person is coming from and that will temper the me-me-me of most situations. Unfortunately, this occasionally means that certain people spot me as a sucker and bore in for the kill.
In the case of my husband I would say that he's so used to me being there to go out to work, come home and crank out a 5 star dinner while he is retired, going bowling 3 times a week, drinking, playing solitaire, napping and watching TV. He's lost the git-up-and-go he had when he worked. He sees his illness as just that - an illness he has no control over, and it's really not his fault if he can't stop drinking and, here comes the best quote, "I'm not hurting any body." You may surmise that I consider that to say that I am "nobody" in his eyes. I mean, if I saw tears falling, and heard a person say I was hurting them terribly, I might add, well except her.
I should go to an Alanon meeting right this minute because somebody always seems to have it worse than me and I tie that knot and hold on just a little bit longer. Holidays are always the worst and that's what we have for the next couple of months. My birthday falls in there and I am expecting the same gift I got last year - no, friends, it wasn't an unwrapable gift, but I'll bet you can guess it wasn't good.
Still asking God to help me figure out the best plan; still wating for the answer. And so it goes as one day slides into the next and you realize you have spent four deccades with someone who swoons over alcohol the way some men do over women. I am convinced that there is an afterlife in which adults can drink resonsibly and not treat others like shit. I'm sorry my husbnd is drawn to alcohol like a fly to spoiled meat, but I want something better for both of us before it's too late.