I woke up around 3:30am, just as the first streaks of light were showing on the horizon (yep, I'm pretty far north) with a surge of emotional pain like I haven't experienced in a long time. I guess if I'm going to write about staying peaceful, the universe is giving me ample opportunity to practice - though that's not exactly the way I would've phrased it this morning.
I couldn't get back to sleep, so I just lay in bed and tried to let myself feel what was going on without beating myself up about it. There was a lot of fear and anger and hurt (but mostly fear).
Eventually, I got up and took bread to the soup kitchen - my Wednesday morning ritual. There, I received an awesome gift in the form of a brief connection with one of the friends I haven't seen much lately...and that shifted my mood enormously. My sister called me later in the day, which also boosted my mood.
I gave myself a peace-of-mind gift by filing some more financial paperwork (being a dual citizen is a LOT of paperwork!). I was going to leave it at that for today, because things are so tight, but... I went to the grocery store, and for the first time in three years, I used some of my 'frequent shopper' credit (I've been saving up, and it kind of bums me out that I have to use it, but I'm grateful it's there). Once I decided I was going to do that, I added $2 for the food bank.
As much as I know to 'give what feels scarce' and as much as I want to give money, at this point - today - I feel like that wouldn't leave me enough for the week. I mean, maybe it would... maybe I should try... but I don't know if my faith is that strong. (And much as I like giving food to the soup kitchen, I don't want to go back to eating there if I can avoid it!)
I know something will come in - work, or something - and I know what to focus on until it does (this personal writing project), but money issues are such a huge trigger for me that it takes a lot of energy to shift my thinking and my emotions. On the bright side, it takes less now than it did three years ago.
Hope you all had a good Wednesday. Cheers!