Here we go! Another round... This morning, I took the day-old muffins I've been gathering (and freezing) to the soup kitchen. Later, I made a (very, very) small donation to the food bank. I made a conscious effort to be extra-kind to people - which I usually am, but today it was in the forefront of my mind even more.
Money is very, very tight. As of today, I don't have enough to pay July rent and eat (or a bus pass... and the bills? They can wait...for a while). Luckily, I have very understanding landlords. I told them I might not be able to pay full rent at the beginning of the month. They know that when I am working, I am usually able to make good money in a short amount of time. Still, there's a lot of anxiety. I know that worrying doesn't make it better - that it not only makes me feel worse, but it's a form of resistance and therefore keeps work from flowing to me. But we're cutting it awfully close here, and I have two big payments in my Financial Situation coming up in the next couple of weeks. So yeah, there's anxiety.
Which leads me to... The sister I'm closest to sent me a little money today, out of the blue. It won't cover rent, but it will help me eat, which is always good :) I felt so appreciative and yet so ambivalent - she was very generous on my birthday, and I know that she has bills to pay, too. Her rationale was that neither of my other sisters gave me anything for my birthday, and that if they had, I'd at least have a little bit more. I thanked her and - even though I know it was a gift - I said that when money is flowing again, I would send it back to her. Then - this was my "real" gift for the day - I sent her a Rubber Chicken thank-you card.
I'm not totally comfortable being on the receiving end. In the past, I've begged my friends to help me, and I've alienated a lot of people (though I've long since repaid all personal debts). My mindset is different now, and I really would rather be giving. But maybe the lesson right now, today, is to learn how to receive, too.
I felt down much of the day, though that certainly lifted my spirits a bit. I couldn't find the creative flow, so I did left-brain tasks like putting notes into Word. I've been working and working on creating a new Web site, brainstorming ideas for content, etc. But I still had my old clunky placeholder site. So I decided to really simplify and create a "business card" site - for now - that just has my portfolio, client testimonials and services. Once I've revised my bio, I'll add that. I actually like this one a lot. (And yes, now you can all see what I look like!) Eventually, I'll change it to include the ideas I've been percolating, but at least now I have something I don't cringe to think people might actually visit, and I can focus on my other ideas.
I'm so glad you all are here. This community is my bedrock right now, and your support means the world to me. I know things will get better, and I appreciate all your kind words - well, even when things were good, I appreciated them, but now I really live for them. Here's to a great Round 12!
Hope you all had a good Friday. Cheers!