My only gifts today were giving other pedestrians the right of way (it got really crowded downtown!) and clicking on the Greater Good sites. I think I did offer another gift - a tourist photo, maybe - and it was declined. Not my most stellar giving day.
On the bright side, the call to the government went well this morning. Long story short, that arrears bill is indeed paid off - and that feels good.
Tonight I discovered that the work I'd been counting on isn't going to be back for the foreseeable future. And I freaked the *$^% out. I felt like not a very compassionate friend, because my friend/client is really going through a double whammy (and could use all the love and prayers people can send her way), yet here I am worried about me, but... I am worried. I'm scared. I know worry is just the ego pretending that it's doing something useful (it's not), and that fear is just constriction in my throat and chest, but... I haven't felt this freaked out in more than two years. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, and tonight (like every night), I'll make a gratitude list, but right now it feels like things are not okay. I'm starting to second-guess so much of the money I've given (which I know is ridiculous) or having used the gift I received to pay the big bills (though I know that was the right decision).
All I can do is stay in this moment. Even though it doesn't feel like this moment is okay, I have a roof over my head. I ate today (not much, and not until tonight, but I do have food). Yes, I have lots of bills outstanding, but my utilities are still connected. The thing is, the fear is there and the memory is there. I've BEEN at the point where it's all been disconnected; I've been on the brink of homelessness, I do not want to be there again. I've been looking for work for more than two months. I know from experience that trying too hard is a form of pushing against the universe; allowing is the key component. I feel like I've been balancing the two well, though right now, it's hard not to just fall into rapidfire push-mode, because I want to make something happen.
I want to give what feels scarce, because it feels so good to give. But there's a point at which I think it becomes what my very supportive sister dubbed "giving anorexia" ("I still weigh 80 pounds, so I have to lose it!" "I still have $25, so I have to give it away!") But maybe tomorrow I'll be trusting enough to leave a quarter somewhere. Yes, I need the quarters I have, but maybe someone else needs one just that much more than I do.
I feel better after having written this out. Part of me feels deeply ashamed for venting, for being scared, for not being a shining example of what someone who has been giving for a year "should" be. On my good days - which are many - I cringe when I re-read my "negative" posts. Yet it's important to me to be honest about what I'm experiencing.
I am immensely grateful for my health - and very aware of how fortunate I am - yet because of that, I feel like I "shouldn't" feel fear. As much as I strive to be my best self every day, well, as Joan Armatrading once sang, "Some days the bear will eat you. Some days you'll eat the bear." This community is my safe place - your support and encouragement and light and prayers are invaluable to me. I know that giving is no guarantee of anything except the knowledge of having been kind (which is pretty awesome). I've been here long enough to see that. The trick is not to resist the waves of life as they happen. Boy, that sounds a lot wiser than I feel (she said, trying in vain to stop the tide with her hands).
Okay, so this is a dark hour. I'm ready for the dawn now. And I look forward to celebrating it with you all when it arises. I have experienced so many miracles - and you have experienced them with me - that I have to trust things will work out.
I hope you all had good Thursdays. Please do send prayers and light to my friend/client...and to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.