R13, D5

[IslandGirl]

I got up this morning to take bread to the soup kitchen. I wasn't in a particularly good mood; I haven't slept well for a few nights, and I just wanted to stay in bed. 

This morning, my sister BCCd me on an email that was filled with information but which, because of an old trigger of mine, brought up a feeling of aloneness, and I responded to her out of that hurt place. Nothing mean, just a bit self-pitying. I hadn't had a real conversation with anyone (other than a clerk or someone I took a photo for) since Sunday, and I was feeling alone. Then I felt awful for having had such a knee-jerk reaction to someone who loves me and gives me so much. I sent her an apology (at the same time she sent me one, feeling that she'd been insensitive), and we agreed to talk later in the day.

I tried my newfound trick of writing a Post-it note with what I needed to hear and leaving it in the washroom. This one said: "SMILE! Who you are makes a difference. Have a great day!" I waited till the washroom was empty, so I could place it on the mirror. That didn't quite cheer me up, though (though when I saw it was still there eight hours - and who knows how many people - later, that made me giddy). 

I went to the coffee shop (sleepiness convinced me to break my one-coffee limit) and cleared some tables for the clerks.

I walked back up the hill to pick up my boots and take them to a repair shop. I own two pairs of shoes: sandals/water shoes and hiking boots. With the amount of walking I do, that puts a fair strain on both pairs. It took me about half a mile in a direction I don't usually walk (not particularly fun or interesting); along the way, I saw a sidewalk chalk drawing of Earth and the words "Be Happy." That made me smile. There are a lot of sidewalk-message ninjas in this town. I turned my focus from thinking "the repair shop is out of the way" to "I can afford to have the heels replaced on these boots I love."

In the afternoon, a man approached me and asked for change. I hadn't seen him before, and I didn't have any change in my pocket. I apologized and tried to look him in the eye, but he wouldn't look at me. I walked about 25 feet then stopped and checked my knapsack, and I found a $2 coin. I went back, found him and gave it to him. I said I hoped he'd be able to get dinner or something (Salvation Army, the only shelter here, charges $2 for dinner). 

And, staying open to opportunities, I took a photo of a couple I'd place in their 70s and what appeared to be one of their fathers (90s). That was fun.

This morning, I decided to listen to Cami's book again as part of my renewed commitment to giving. I usually listen to audiobooks, rather than read hard copies, because I can listen while I walk - and I'm always walking! The first time I listened to 29 Gifts, though, I think I was distracted by the reader's voice and style. I loved the book, but there were nuances I missed. Of course, that was many months ago, too, and it's really cool to listen again and a) focus more on Cami's writing style (which I love) and b) see what resonates with me now, after several rounds. 

Thoughts:

• I've never resented a gift, ever. That's a really good feeling. Last month, I did question whether, in retrospect, I'd given "too much," but in terms of individual gifts, I haven't regretted a single one.
• I am committed to taking food to the soup kitchen as often as possible, though I also know that what I take isn't going to make or break them. So from now on, if I can't find a positive feeling about going, I'll hold off until the next day (which, in fact, I did earlier this week) - and find a different way to give on that day. That's what the freezer is for.
• I have overgiven at times, or given out of a place of fear, and I noticed Mbali's question, "What lack are you trying to fill in yourself by overgiving?" That made me think. I was raised to believe I had to justify my existence by selflessly serving others (yet my own emotional needs weren't filled, so it was a mixed message). There is a part of me that occasionally rears its head and says "The more you give, the more virtuous you are!" It's not common, but it's something I've noticed. Most of the time, though, when I give more than once - like today - it's because multiple opportunities show up. And I know that in winter, spontaneous opportunities don't often show themselves, so I love being able to give as much as I can when those opportunities do arise.
• I wonder if maybe on some of those days, I should've started a round over, but...water, bridge, done. 
• Gifts within my family came with more strings than a symphony orchestra of marionettes. 
• It was reassuring to remember that Cami was in debt and (momentarily) doubted the wisdom of giving. This is part of what I love about the book and why I relay my honest emotions: few, if any, of us are 100% upbeat all the time. And life does happen. But this is a way to stay open-hearted and appreciate the good, regardless of what life brings.
• Multiple amazing things - big and small - have happened since I began giving. Things I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams. And I do now expect good things to happen (not specific things, but good things in general) - which is a pretty dramatic shift.
• There are so many things I do now, without thinking twice, that a year ago I might have considered a conscious gift - thanking the bus driver, holding a door open, etc.
• For about a year prior to starting the Challenge, I'd been making a conscious effort to focus on the good in my life, to amplify appreciation and gratitude. That has made all the difference - and giving reinforces all that I have to be grateful for. My nightly routine includes a gratitude list of all the things I can come up with (and this community is always on it!)

I'm so glad I decided to revisit the book, because even though I'm only about halfway through the second listen, there are things that resonate now that I wouldn't necessarily have noticed a year ago. 

Hope you all had wonderful Wednesdays. Cheers!

[Aunty Nean]

Thank you for your insight and honesty.

[Deb~ Community Manager]

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. It makes my day even better~ xoxo

[Lois55 wwt]

I loved this post..thank you for letting us into your thoughts and into your daily gifts. I'm glad you got your boots repaired, you need them. I think you walk more than anyone I know:)

Take care, you are a blessing and  a great Friend:)xoxo