Thank you for all your words of encouragement. I thought about them - and you all - a lot today.
This morning, I took goodies to the soup kitchen. Later in the day, I gave a thesaurus to the coffee-shop girl who is working on a story. (I know there's thesaurus.com, but it's kind of limited, IMO.) And a few people sitting on a bench asked me for directions. It took a while to realize they wanted to get to a town...that's about an hour from here. Not being a driver, the best I could do was point south and say "That way." (Ok, I was a little more detailed) It probably wasn't much help, but I tried.
The gift that I had trouble with today was leaving a loonie (dollar coin) somewhere. I put it in my pocket this morning, with the intention of leaving it for someone to find, and yet all day, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept finding reasons not to give it to various buskers (I know, I know, the quality of music isn't the point!), nor to leave it where I've left other coins... eventually I did leave it on top of a pay phone (yes, we still have those here). And for a brief moment, it felt good to have done that.
I vented to my sister this afternoon about having a crisis of faith, being panicky and angry about a couple of things (including money), not knowing what to do - and she pointed out that I've used the exact same words...not once, but at least three times since May. Each time, I've been convinced that this time I'd never get out of it (emotionally or on a practical level). And each time, it all worked out. Most days, I think, I can keep some perspective - I can be aware that it's going to be fine. But today, I was yanked underwater. I could only appreciate things on an intellectual level, not an emotional or spiritual one. I rage-walked all over the place. A guy (who I didn't know) tried to approach me while I was talking to my sister, and I very nearly told him to f* off (Instead, I said, "I'm on the phone and don't want to talk to you. Please leave me alone." Angrily.) Then I worried horribly that he was someone I actually had met somewhere.
I'm not used to this angry side. Beyond the two big triggers, I don't know what it's about (I've had these triggers before, and my reaction has usually been anxiety, not anger). At some level, I think it's old stuff, coming up to be released... but it still doesn't feel good.
I feel like I've been in a not-great place for a while now, and as much as I'm committed to being honest in my posts, I'm beginning to feel guilty that I'm not being more positive in my posts (these posts often are the things that remind me to shift my thinking). I'm really, really looking forward to being on the other side of this, so I can remind myself - and anyone else - that amazing things happen every day. In the meantime, I need to find a way to stay positive despite these two emotional storms.
Well...tomorrow is another day.
Hope you all had good Wednesdays! Cheers!