Well, the inner peace from yesterday lasted all of about two hours. I managed to give a bunch of small gifts today, so I'm just going to jump in:
I took two quarters out of my change drawer and put them in my pocket. I knew it wasn't much, but for me to be giving anything financial at this point is enormous, so it felt important (to remind myself that, while I may not have much on hand, I'm not entirely zero-flat broke). Well... when I reached in my pocket, I realized that one of coins was a loonie! Which a) made me feel like "hey! I have more money than I thought!" and b) seemed like a sign that I should be stretching even more.
I took goodies to the soup kitchen.
I had to have a routine screening this morning, the kind where you have to have a REALLY full bladder. In past years, I've been sent back to the waiting room to drink even more water (when I really didn't think I could take any more), so this time, I chugged three litres of water in the two hours before the appointment. All that to say - I spent a lot of time in washrooms this afternoon! And I thought about leaving a Post-it in every one, but I was in way too deep a funk, so I only left one in the washroom at the hospital. And I left the loonie on a bench near the hospital parking lot.
During a mad 50-meter dash to a washroom in the afternoon, I was rude to a man who was trying to talk to me, so later, I had the opportunity to apologize. But I also gave him the "I'm not a social person" talk, which seems to be a recurring theme here (mostly in terms of men who want to talk to me every time they see me... which should be flattering, but it doesn't feel that way). I realized many people go down to the waterfront because they want to talk, and many men...want to talk to a woman. Anyway, he seems like a good guy, and he was very gracious both in terms of the apology and the "I don't always want to talk" bit.
Then I saw a woman in a motorized wheelchair trying to find the ramp (she seemed stuck at the curb), so I gave her directions (from her vantage point, she couldn't see that it was about 6 feet away).
And lastly, I bussed a few dishes at the coffee shop.
Which sounds like a lot, except today was just a brutal, abysmal day emotionally, and of all these, only the loonie and the Post-it had any emotional impact. It was like being in a flashback to three and four years ago. This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. In 2008, I had $5 to my name and ordered french fries in a pub; the owner gave me a free dinner, and I cried from his kindness. In 2009, I was coming out of a brutal post-biopsy infection, and I was at the point of rolling pennies...and I went to the soup kitchen's free dinner. Then, for a couple of years, I was able to make my own slow-cooker turkey breast (I'm not *that* big on Thanksgiving, but I do love turkey). And in both 2008 and 2009, it was a looooong time before things turned around (well, they didn't, fully, until 2011).
So today, I *felt* like I was in that old place. I couldn't get any perspective on anything. I was underwater - I knew the tools to use, and I could use them intellectually, but they didn't bring me out of it.
My book-editing client said she didn't have anything more for me, and another potential client who said he didn't yet have anything for me. I know more work will come, that this phase will pass, that everything is and will be fine. But I'm saying that from my "tonight" perspective - today, I definitely did not feel that way.
In 2011, I stocked up on things like tuna and pasta, so at least I do have food. In 2009, I hit a point where I literally had nothing edible in the apartment. Tonight, I'm going to focus on being grateful. Because tonight, I can find that emotional place. And tonight, I can stay in the moment. Thank you all for helping me to remember that.
Hope you all had good Fridays. Cheers!