R15, D12

[IslandGirl]

Well, the inner peace from yesterday lasted all of about two hours. I managed to give a bunch of small gifts today, so I'm just going to jump in:

I took two quarters out of my change drawer and put them in my pocket. I knew it wasn't much, but for me to be giving anything financial at this point is enormous, so it felt important (to remind myself that, while I may not have much on hand, I'm not entirely zero-flat broke). Well... when I reached in my pocket, I realized that one of coins was a loonie! Which a) made me feel like "hey! I have more money than I thought!" and b) seemed like a sign that I should be stretching even more.

I took goodies to the soup kitchen.

I had to have a routine screening this morning, the kind where you have to have a REALLY full bladder. In past years, I've been sent back to the waiting room to drink even more water (when I really didn't think I could take any more), so this time, I chugged three litres of water in the two hours before the appointment. All that to say - I spent a lot of time in washrooms this afternoon! And I thought about leaving a Post-it in every one, but I was in way too deep a funk, so I only left one in the washroom at the hospital. And I left the loonie on a bench near the hospital parking lot.

During a mad 50-meter dash to a washroom in the afternoon, I was rude to a man who was trying to talk to me, so later, I had the opportunity to apologize. But I also gave him the "I'm not a social person" talk, which seems to be a recurring theme here (mostly in terms of men who want to talk to me every time they see me... which should be flattering, but it doesn't feel that way). I realized many people go down to the waterfront because they want to talk, and many men...want to talk to a woman. Anyway, he seems like a good guy, and he was very gracious both in terms of the apology and the "I don't always want to talk" bit.

Then I saw a woman in a motorized wheelchair trying to find the ramp (she seemed stuck at the curb), so I gave her directions (from her vantage point, she couldn't see that it was about 6 feet away).

And lastly, I bussed a few dishes at the coffee shop.

Which sounds like a lot, except today was just a brutal, abysmal day emotionally, and of all these, only the loonie and the Post-it had any emotional impact. It was like being in a flashback to three and four years ago. This is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. In 2008, I had $5 to my name and ordered french fries in a pub; the owner gave me a free dinner, and I cried from his kindness. In 2009, I was coming out of a brutal post-biopsy infection, and I was at the point of rolling pennies...and I went to the soup kitchen's free dinner. Then, for a couple of years, I was able to make my own slow-cooker turkey breast (I'm not *that* big on Thanksgiving, but I do love turkey). And in both 2008 and 2009, it was a looooong time before things turned around (well, they didn't, fully, until 2011).

So today, I *felt* like I was in that old place. I couldn't get any perspective on anything. I was underwater - I knew the tools to use, and I could use them intellectually, but they didn't bring me out of it. 

My book-editing client said she didn't have anything more for me, and another potential client who said he didn't yet have anything for me. I know more work will come, that this phase will pass, that everything is and will be fine. But I'm saying that from my "tonight" perspective - today, I definitely did not feel that way. 

In 2011, I stocked up on things like tuna and pasta, so at least I do have food. In 2009, I hit a point where I literally had nothing edible in the apartment. Tonight, I'm going to focus on being grateful. Because tonight, I can find that emotional place. And tonight, I can stay in the moment. Thank you all for helping me to remember that.

Hope you all had good Fridays. Cheers!

[Dawn wwt]

the ghosts of holidays past can sure be brutal. seems like no matter how many great ones you have afterward, it's the sucky ones that keep flashing back in technicolor memory reruns. i sure wish there was some way to stop that from happening. if i figure out the secret, i'll be sure to pass it on to you.

meanwhile, i'll be loving you and praying for good stuff to come your way. Hugs, Dawn xoxo

[Deb~ Community Manager]

You are by far a very precious person in this world and do for others every day. Good things will come your way~ I pray for it.. xoxo

[Laura M]

I wish I could think of more to say... "this too shall pass"?  Yes, but trite when we're not feeling it.  I know it's tough to be in my own head alone in my own house too long... but you are talking about getting out into the Big World and that's good, for me at least. I know my own situation has a small safety net for a while--then what?  I personally am convinced that my last job, the ending of that job, and this time to myself for a while are all part of a greater spiritual process that I don't always know the end result of and that is *not* necessarily geared to my personal Comfort, per se, but Something Else, that may or may not be comfortable and secure for me & my ego; my role in it is to take The Next Right Action & see what happens.  I think it's great you're taking stock of what you *do* have (me--yesterday I was grateful for My Magic Self-Heating House--I have a house with a thing called a heater that actually turns itself on at a certain point to keep the house warm to a certain degree whether I'm monitoring it or not--amazing!)... and sometimes food & shelter & clothing & some time alone for today is enough, for the Body & Spirit at least, even though the Mind relentlessly runs ahead.

"I have a beautiful and loving and healthy mind".... someone taught me that affirmation recently & I've been running it over & over as The Only Thought Allowed when I have started any worrying about "What's Going to Happen???!!!!"... just pushing the negative thought out with the good leaves no room for the worry to fester.

Hope some of that helps--take what you want & toss the rest--at the very least, here's a Big Fat Hug---

L  

[Lois55 wwt]

With it being an emotional holiday that has significant memories attached, i know it's hard. You have dealt with so much in the last few years. I know it has made you stronger. I hope tomorrow brings lighter moments for you..hugs, Dear Friend. You are a treasure....