So... this is both a relief and embarrassing to admit: Apparently, the intense moods recently have been a Storm of the Century episode of (early) PMS. By this morning, I felt like the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. The external triggers are still there, but I feel much more able to keep them in perspective and to stay positive. Perhaps if I'd known there was a hormonal undercurrent, I might've been able to keep a better perspective on things (or at least avoid human contact). Wow, it really freaks me out how completely swept under I can become. But the good news is, today I feel like myself again.
Today, I used the last of my ultra-don't-touch emergency fund and began rolling small coins. I chafed slightly at having left loonies and toonies around this week, since I have none left, but I didn't - and don't - regret having done it. I went to the coffee shop out of habit (they don't require me to buy anything), and the owner asked if I'd like a free coffee. So that was awesome. I bussed a lot of tables (several times), which is becoming second nature more than "gift-y".
A homeless man stopped me and asked if I had $2 for food. That was the sum total of the change in my pocket, so I said no, but that I could give him 50 cents. And I did, and I walked away immensely grateful that I'm not in a position where I have to ask strangers for change.
I also sent some advice to the client who, yesterday, told me she didn't have any more work for me right now. She'd sent me - as an aside - a project she did several years ago, and I think it has enormous potential. So I told her I'd read it for my own interest and send her general thoughts - not nearly the level I do as an editor, but just a couple of ideas. One of those is to have me do a pass on the manuscript. But if she says no, I'm still glad to be giving her something.
I'm not sure why I feel so peaceful. I think I've just hit a place of acceptance that I couldn't find before. Or else it's endorphins. Something will come in at some point, and until then... I just have to trust and enjoy all the positives in my life. We're having an amazing fall - an unprecedented amount of sun - and so there's plenty of opportunity to be outside. And oh yeah... writing. (I haven't been able to write much for the past two weeks, what with rage and despair taking turns throttling me).
On Tuesday, I'll go back to the food bank (as a client) for the first time in more than two years. Our local food bank, as I think I've mentioned, has been so strapped that, when I went there regularly, a "survival bag" for a week included a single pack of dollar-store ramen noodles, a can of pork and beans (both of which I'm allergic to), maybe a can of soup or vegetables and, if I got there early enough, some on-expiry bread. But there was a massive drive recently, and apparently the quality of food has gone up.
My sister is trying to find some little task she can "hire" me for, to justify sending me enough to buy food and cat food next week. Things will work out. Things are working out, even if they aren't exactly the way I want. The key is staying in the moment - and during the Hormonal Horror Show of the past week-plus, I lost all ability to do that.
Thank you all for your support and for being there. I can't wait till this does turn around, and I can celebrate with you all!
Hope you all had a wonderful Saturday. Cheers!