Today's gifts: A positive Post-it on a washroom mirror and a quarter left on a wall. And patience with a rather creepy man who asked me to help him with his camera (my instinct was later confirmed, but no harm done).
I went to the food bank this morning to pick up a "survival bag"... and it was closed. There are five locations, but only one is within distance for me, and it's only open one day a week (Mondays, or Tuesdays after a holiday). But for some reason, it just said "Closed today" and referred people to a different - and distant - distribution centre.
I can't lie, and I can't spin this any other way: I freaked out today. As long as I had a small buffer, I could stay positive (that was the entire purpose of the buffer). And in my belief system, staying positive/in alignment is essential for flow. But without that buffer, my mood has tanked (with momentary excursions into acceptance) and - much to my surprise - my temper flares very easily. There are such surges of frustration and anger. "This wasn't supposed to happen again." (And then I hear Eckhart Tolle/Byron Katie/any spiritual teacher: "Of course it's supposed to be happening, because it is happening.") I have to believe something better is on the horizon, but it's really hard to keep that perspective when I'm trying to meet the most basic daily needs. My personal situation is still in limbo, too, which compounds the uncertainty in my life and the confusion and frustration I feel.
I went to the post office to mail three new tax returns - the new final steps in my Financial Situation. I felt really good about that, as I always do when making progress in that area. Because I'm "cross-border," I have to send them by registered mail, to prove that I mailed them before the deadline. And I learned that the total cost was more than everything I have left, including change. Fortunately, the deadline isn't till next Monday, so I decided to hold off a few days and see what happens.
After talking to my sister (oh, my sister! I am so lucky to have her), I decided that I'm going to ask my original friend/client for another advance to help me catch up on rent and bills. She's still in an altered state from massive grief, so I've held off on asking; I've wanted to focus on being her friend. I don't know if she'll do it, but I am optimistic. However, I know that before I ask her, I have to get myself into a better headspace, so I'm not feeling so desperate. I also received some positive news about a couple of very small projects.
Today, I ate. Also, I was able to buy cat food, so my cat can eat (she's 16 and requires special food). I have a roof over my head, and all the utilities are connected. For so much of the day, I couldn't even access gratitude, except as an intellectual construct. I definitely couldn't feel it. But now, here - checking in with you all - I can feel it again. Thank you for being here and for putting up with my posts, even when they're not directly giving-related.
Hope you all had a good Tuesday. Cheers!