I don't think I've ever realized quite so acutely how much giving even a tiny amount of "what feels scarce" helps me appreciate what I do have. I went to the grocery store today specifically to leave a quarter on top of a tin of cat food. I hesitated, but it felt important to do. I came home and clicked on most of the Greater Good sites, and I emailed my most recent client with (free) feedback on a book she self-published. (That email also included an offer to do a quick edit, as well as a request for referrals, so it wasn't entirely selfless.)
Okay, so... my friend/client said she wasn't able to give me an advance or any kind of work (I'd asked if there was anything at all I could do). The budget from which I hoped she could draw was re-allocated, and because of the crises in her life, the well is pretty dry. She did say that in a couple of weeks, she will see if she can loan me a little. While I'm trying to avoid borrowing, it may wind up being necessary, and I greatly appreciated that. She's also still going through major personal crises, so I appreciated her taking the time to respond.
Today, I focused on the projects at hand. There are two small ones, but the sooner I finish them, the sooner I'll have at least some money coming in... and maybe they'll lead to something else. It was good to have a distraction. I woke up feeling despair, and I felt it even more after receiving my friend/client's answer, and then...something like surrender kicked in. I mailed off my returns (without using registered mail), and I felt the satisfaction of taking another positive step. Shortly after I did that, I had a conversation that helped to alleviate my concerns about the personal situation that's been triggering me. I don't think the timing was a coincidence. The conversation boosted my mood immeasurably.
The other good news - which I haven't been able to see for a few days - is that I'm only a little bit behind. One mid-sized project would bring me up to date. So if any of you know someone who needs a writer, ghostwriter, strategic storyteller or developmental editor, please feel free to send them to my site.
Yesterday, I received a letter from the big agency at the centre of my Financial Situation, and tomorrow I have to call them. I'm a little nervous, but I have managed to keep up with my payments (which are nearly as much as my rent), and there's nothing for them to seize or garnish, so... all I can do is tell them my current situation and restate my intention to clear up the debt as quickly as possible.
In some ways, I suppose I "should be" freaking out even more than yesterday. Yet, oddly, I feel calmer. I'm not sure if it's denial or surrender, or a bit of both. I still don't know the bigger purpose of this episode, but I trust there is one. I also know I may well freak out again, but I hope I can stay present enough to just deal with what's right in front of me - and focused enough on giving that I can get out of my own head. Thank you all for being here. This community is such a gift in my life.
Hope you all had a good Wednesday. Cheers!