I was psyched for the official beginning of my first 29-day giving cycle and, as is my norm, established relatively high expectations of what it would bring. And, as is also my norm, have been over-thinking and over-analyzing everything. If anything, this first cycle is going to teach me much about the expectations I have of myself. To say I am my own worst critic is a grave understatement.
About an hour ago I had a meltdown and began to berate myself for ruining the the first day of my first giving cycle. The day didn't start out bad. As a matter of fact, I woke up with the words of Psalm 118:24 on my mind via this song: Today is the Day by Lincoln Brewster. I was excited to begin this new adventure, but kind of wished I'd decided to begin yesterday since I felt like yesterday's giving was right on par with what I want to accomplish during this challenge. What happened to not over-planning and no preconceived ideas of what this would bring? Me, that's what happened.
In summary (to avoid making a short story long, as I am apt to do), I allowed my feelings of guilt and frustration with my MS-related limitations get the best of me. I want to push and push and push until I have no push left, and then I get angry that I can't push more. I am learning to be more in tune with and respect my limits. My learning curve in this area is huge because I am independent and like to "do" for others. For years I functioned on adrenaline. Though I am not an adrenaline junkie in terms of extreme sports and such, I used to be a busybody who had to go and do all the time. Learning to acknowledge and respect my limits is a gift not only to myself, but also to my family because I do none of us any good if I'm in the hospital.
Directly after my meltdown I felt as though I'd done nothing good at all, nothing I could count as a gift; however, after calming down (and apologizing to my husband for freaking out), a period of reflection revealed several things in my day that could be considered gifts. I am also coming to terms with the fact that not all of my gifts have to be Earth-shattering, even if it is the first day.
So, for today I:
*intentionally made eye contact and really listened to a gal with whom I work in my church nursery. She is somewhat of a strange bird and most people tend to avoid her. Even though it is a church nursery, many of t he other ladies mock and make fun of her.
*cleaned out both our regular freezer and our upright freezer. Both were in dire need of paring down due to an overabundance of out-of-date items and leftover casseroles and soups we never ate.
*allowed Kaden to have extra video game time.
* I love cooking for others and tomorrow is the monthly board meeting for my work. I prepared a homemade soup and salad for lunch rather than ordering something in. This saves our organization money, and who doesn't like a homemade meal?
*I made a conscious decision to stop letting my disease rule my emotions. I think my response to my disease is more important than ever now that one of my children also has an incurable autoimmune disease.
Blessings to you all and I am excited for what tomorrow will bring!